She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
