tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
