If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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