I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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