I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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