i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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