This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
