got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
