i barfeds in our rink
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize
