no, he came in my armpit
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
