I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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