No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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