there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
