I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
