And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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