hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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