Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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