This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Swine flu is the new snow day.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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