it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
