wakey wakey hands off snakey
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
