I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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