Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
