Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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