MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
