i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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