I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
My bed smells like the plague
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize