Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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