i permit you to call me
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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