my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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