my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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