Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
