Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I FOUND THE LEGS
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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