I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
The adults are the big ones right?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
