You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
