you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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