i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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