things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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