she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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