And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
