You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
We had to coat check the pizza.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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