she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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