I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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