I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
