my room smells like sperm. sweet.
My pussy is not your playground.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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