There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
