she woke up with a sticky ear
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
