those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
