Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
