mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
