My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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