Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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