I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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