If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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