Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
