In America we eat man semen.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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