Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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