thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
