Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
