I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
