so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
It's shark week go big or go home
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
