Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize