So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
