Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
